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"A Perfect Thanksgiving"
posted November 25, 2007 @8:13p
Imagine a scene from a film in which it seems the perfect Thanksgiving dinner is about to take place. The sun has just dipped below the horizon, and night has begun to tuck the earth in with the shade of its dark blanket. In the outskirts of the city, nestled at the meshing of a well-trimmed lawn and a sparse forest, is a home, bursting with happy people, all preparing to break bread and share the company of close family and friends.

As the camera pans over a smorgasboard of golden-brown turkey, smashed red potatoes and buttery-crusted pumpkin pie, the dining room begins to come into focus. Although the room is but candlelit, you are overwhelmed; never have you seen such a table prepared for dining. In fact, to use the word "table" to describe what you behold should be considered a very lie.

It's beautiful.

Each table setting is perfectly dressed, with personal matching salt and pepper shakers. And flowing down the center of the table is a cornucopia of every fruit and vegetable imaginable, representing nearly every color in the rainbow. As your eyes breathe in the vibrant reds, yellows and greens, you can almost smell the aroma being emitted by the fresh-cut flowers and herbs splashed throughout the display.

As you are about to be completely engulfed by the warmth of the imagery on the screen, you realize a person is seated at the table.

Something is amiss.

His hair is long, his face is unshaven, and it looks like the jacket he's wearing to cover his plain white t-shirt was rejected at one of the Goodwill reception centers. Suddenly, the scream of a rock-n-roll guitar shakes the warmth right off your shoulders.

Okay - before you cast judgment, know that I was trying to be on my best behavior. Not only did I bite my tongue nearly a hundred times, but I was actually friendly with everyone. Not overly friendly, of course, because it's extremely difficult for me to even make eye contact with people who've said so many negative things about me.

But I was friendly.

The teams were very uneven, and the numbers were in my favor. On my side, I counted eleven people, including two ambivalent team members. On the jason-hater side, there were four (there is another possible hater that I haven't been able to read, but who has shown signs of leaning towards hate; this person is not included in the four).

Now for those of you who might know a little about me, you may have come to the conclusion that my humor can be very dry. And it usually comes in one of two flavors: sarcasm, reserved mainly for friends; or absurdity, which can be used at any time, with any person, in any situation.

So, like I said, I was trying to be on my best behavior. And about an hour into the gathering, I found myself at the table, in a discussion with two of the haters. One of them was trying to remember a particular event, while the other and I tried to spark this person's memory. I spouted out detail after detail, "we ate barbeque... Remember? ...The others were running late because they had gotten lost... We stood outside looking for them, when finally they called... It was starting to rain... Remember?"

Blank stare.

"It was just after that intersection... at the corner of [road] and [road]...Just down the road from church... Remember?"


Finally, after spewing out everything we could remember about that day, the hater looked at me again with that same blank stare.

As it is inclined to do sometimes, my brain told me it was a perfect time to say something funny. The table was quiet, and, at my end of the table, the focus was wholly on our conversation about the barbeque event. Yes, it was time for something funny, but... what could I say? I couldn't go with sarcasm; sarcasm has the potential to upset people - especially these, since they already hated me. Sarcasm was definitely out.

So I chose absurdity. And suddenly, the most awesome explanation came to my mind as to why this person couldn't remember. I immediately began to speak it.

My mouth opened, and I started talking in that slow, low, distorted voice associated with video slowing down. It was too late to stop; the words were already rolling off my tongue in slow motion. "I.... think... you.... were........."

Before I finish that sentence, I guess I need to give you a little bit of hater-background.

I don't know much about the haters, but I do know this: they go to church. They go to church at every opportunity, and they encourage others to attend whenever the doors are open. They're quick to tell you about church events and mission trips.

The haters love to go to church.

So,in my attempt at total and utter absurdity, I chose to say something that I thought was ridiculous. To me, ridiculous equals funny.

I looked the hater directly in the eye, with the most serious face I could muster, and said slowly and positively, as if I could really explain his forgetfulness, "I think you were DRUNK."

Nobody laughed.


I can really picture that and how it went down. You know, I have come to a conclusion... The people who you classify as haters make up about 50% -75% of the general population and are not to be taken seriously at any time no matter how serious they look. They are to be laughed at as much as possible, and made to feel as uncomfortable as possible in social situations. And thatís all I have to say about that.

posted by Michael on 11/28/2007 @12:59:03 PM

Thanks man. But the number may be more like 95%. Either way - I can handle it.

posted by Jason Wells on 12/5/2007 @1:29:06 PM
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