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"Secret Revealed"
posted December 17, 2007 @9:25a
"Dude. If I do this, we can't tell anybody... You realize that, right?"

My friend understood all the implications of my statement. I could get written up. Even fired. In these types of situations, one has to analyze the risk factor; in measuring the joy of telling someone about the act I was preparing to execute against the risk of sharing said joyous information with the wrong person, I decided the risk was too high. I knew the information couldn't go beyond that office.

I've never been a big fan of revenge. I subscribe to the belief that what comes around, goes around. And every time I leave a situation to be remedied by this belief, it works out. My favorite story of natural vindication involves an impromptu disco street party; a misunderstanding, in which I caused fifteen police officers to believe a crowd of sixty was laughing at them; a resulting roadblock that displaced us to a county jail; and a one-year sentence of bike-riding handed down to my high school nemesis.

...Joey, if you're reading this - you're no longer my nemesis. You know we're straight now, man...

Natural vindication is the way to go, but sometimes... sometimes I like to do a little something for myself... a little something mischievous.

"So we're not telling anybody, right?"

My companion had agreed. No one would know.

Earlier that day, a few of us had been selected to work overtime. The new guy - the boss - had charged me, along with several others in the department, with removing large amounts of garbage from the building. The garbage consisted of large, outdated, heavy, metal equipment. We worked through evening, then on through late evening. By the time midnight had arrived, only two of us remained. So I convinced my co-worker to make a trip up to the third floor break room for a sit and a snack. We were the only people left in the entire building.

I perused the vending machines as we complained of our newly-found work-life under our newly-appointed boss. Everyone had admitted to being miserable; but I was particularly miserable. It was a well-known fact that the new boss, as I've shared before, hated my guts. He hated everything about me: my hair, my feet, my laid-back-ed-ness. And little did we know that in the coming weeks, he'd try many times to have me fired.

But knowing that information still wouldn't have stopped me that night.

As we spoke of our pains, out of habit, I opened the refrigerator door and began to browse. My eyes passed by leftovers, aging fruit and vegetables, and diet juices that nobody wanted. But then something nostalgic caught my eye. There, on the top shelf, was a lone container of milk. It was the same type of container I drank from in elementary school - that paper carton that was impossible to open. It gave me an idea.

"I have to do something," I told my friend. "I have to do something with this milk."

I placed fifty cents in the community cash box, took the milk, and instructed my sidekick to follow me downstairs. I was taking him to an empty office.

I was taking him to the boss's office.

Once we opened the door to deserted lair of our leader, to be sure, I said one last time, "this is just between us. I need to know you're not going to tell anybody."

"Man, nobody's gonna know."

Climbing atop a piece of the very garbage the man had forcibly assigned us to discard, I removed a tile from the ceiling. Reaching up into the darkness, with my right fist, I began to press a divot in the insulation between his wall and the wall of a neighboring area. As I pressed, I spoke to my companion. "Can you open that milk for me?" He smiled, then obliged. I then removed my fist from the area above the tile, and requested the milk to be handed to me.

Then I did it. I placed an open container of milk in the ceiling above my boss.

It's been said, "the best revenge is success." And it's true. There was nothing as satisfying as the success of turning milk into cottage cheese four feet above my boss's head.


You know I love your stories! This is a good one though!

posted by Pamela on 12/17/2007 @11:10:40 AM

Well thank you. I couldn't hold the secret any longer.

posted by Jason Wells on 12/18/2007 @11:13:29 AM
I love it! I wonder if it was ever found?

posted by Heather on 12/19/2007 @4:28:19 PM

From what I hear, it wasn't...

posted by Jason Wells on 12/20/2007 @1:15:39 PM
I am crackin up! You are too funny and I know who your friend is! I need you to find out some info on a company for me. Email me at my home address that is listed above.

posted by melissa on 12/27/2007 @7:00:53 PM

Thank you! Okay - I'll email you shortly...

posted by Jason Wells on 12/29/2007 @11:00:56 PM
THIS is GREAT!!! He deserved it!!! Love it. Keep the stories comin!!' KC

posted by KC on 12/29/2007 @9:55:12 AM

It was the least I could do!! Thanks - I'll do what I can...

posted by Jason Wells on 12/31/2007 @9:13:47 AM
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